Mom left behind
As a survivor of suicide I would like to share with you how I came to be involved with Heartbeat survivors after suicide. My son Jason died by suicide on October 17, 1991. That was the day my life changed forever. I admit that at first I did not handle my grief and sorrow in a healthy way. I am somewhat embarrassed to say that I turned to the most destructive ways of coping with my loss. In the process of coming to a place where I could even function I had to stay stuck in denial of my emotions. The way I chose to accomplish this was to turn to self medicating. I was living in an environment that accepted social drinking and recreational drugs. Even to the point that I worked in the establishments that served alcohol. It was quite convenient to have a drink after my shift. That led to having another and another. Needless to say I was not facing my emotions at all. I was trying to drown them. I really had no support in the area of grieving. My family was not able to help due to the lack of resources in the area and their own way of processing their own grief. This behavior continued for several years until after my father died leaving me with the extra burden of grieving for him also. I was way out of control, not being the parent that I needed to be. My children were being neglected not only in their own grief, but also in the ways that parent would provide for them.
Well while I was avoiding and neglecting my children, my family,my emotions and mostly my God. My God had not forgot or rejected me. He was there during my darkest times and it was only by my deafness and blindness that kept him from working with me in my grief.
The time of turning in repentance and acting in obedience to Gods word came about through the mouth of a child. I had always mad sure my children had the opportunity to go church even if I didn't go. One day when I was taking my youngest daughter to the church for an activity she came home and asked me and my husband Roger why we didn't go to church? Well what could I say or do. The next Sunday we all got up and we drove ourselves to church, as a whole family. I can honestly tell you that it took no time at all to change our hearts and the reveal to us that we needed to be in Gods will. We actively started searching and God started working in our lives with a vengeance.
Even after another five years or so I was not intentionally searching my heart for the grief that had laid dormant for so long. I can remember visually lifting up my heart to God and asking him to heal it and make it whole. I then felt that I was walking around without a heart for sometime. But as God is faithful he molded my heart and filled it with his spirit. The work was not done with my grief process but I then knew it was safe to do so. God would always be there.
Now I guess you may be asking yourself how I came to Heartbeat? One morning before the sun came up and my husband was awake . I started searching the internet for any resource, word of encouragement or online site that dealt the survivors of suicide. I had had the secret desire to find someway to help all the people who had experienced the same grief and sorrow that I did. I realized there was a million different support groups and online resources available. It was almost overwhelming. When I came across the web site of Heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide. As I read more about the different beliefs,insights and common emotions that arise after a love one dies by suicide, I had a very strong response to what the group offered. There was also a revelation or affirmation when I read that every 16 minutes someone dies by suicide, It had been 16 years since my son had died and Jason was 16 years old when he died. For me this common denominator was a sign that it was time to move outside the isolation I had hid in for so very long and take a step of faith. I became more familiar with Heartbeat and decided to commit myself to becoming a facilitator of a monthly group meeting and make myself available to anyone who might be in need of the acceptance and safe place to express their feelings about their loss.
That brings me to where I am now. I still personally have areas that need to be expressed, but have realized that I have the opportunity to do something that may help others. I invite any one who is struggling with the loss of a loved one to suicide to contact me and I will offer what resources I have and my heartfelt friendship. Remember you are never alone. If you don't know what to do now. consider Heartbeat, I am available whenever you are in need.
Mom Left behind
